gone, gone, gone (to the theme of that song from American Idol)

There comes a point in time where one will question the purpose of life and the things that they are doing. For many, this occurs after college. After they have outgrown the party phase. After they have gotten their degree. After they hit their midlife crisis. For me, this point happened in 2016 at the end of high school. And while 2016 was without a doubt the most difficult year of my life, I have ultimately developed as a person because of it. For that, I am grateful.

I will spare everyone the details of some of the major crises that were piled on to me this past year because frankly, I do not really think the 43 followers on here care so much as to read through my exact thoughts and feelings. I do not even know if anyone will read through this entire post. But I do want to touch on one thing. That one thing is Jesus.

I do not know if I would have survived this past year if I did not know the Lord. Jesus is hope. And He is home. Life here is not forever, and ultimately, fixing our eyes on worldly things will not get us anywhere. Somewhere in the Bible (not sure where because I am not a nun sorry #notsorry) it says naked we come and naked we leave. We came into this world with nothing. We leave with nothing. Not your career, not your social media following, not your body, not your food, not your clothing, not your new Christmas gifts. Nothing. That in itself should tell you one thing. That focusing on anything pertaining to this world is useless.

Today, I found myself questioning why I am doing the things that I am doing. I found myself asking if the things I am doing are ultimately glorifying the Lord. For a lot of these things, the answer is a bold and astonishing no. And I didn’t even realize it until I took a step back and looked at my life from an eternal standpoint.

For one thing, having multiple social media accounts did not serve any true purpose for me. I spent a lot of time looking at people for no reason really at all. I spent a lot of time liking photos of friends that I did not even really know that well. And we all know I spent a lot of time tagging everyone in dank memes. Basically, that time could have been spent elsewhere, and I am sure something greater than giving Sally her 100th like on her selfie could have come from that time.

I am not saying that now I want everyone and their mothers to delete all of their social media because I did. Also let’s be honest, even if I did, that one family who posts literally 92948 times a day updating people on their every last action on Facebook would downright refuse this request. I am just saying that being more intentional with my time is a great lesson I have learned this year. You never know when you are going to die. You really do not. Time is so precious. You do not get it back. Focus on things above.

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My Middle Name is STOOOOPIDB

Yesterday night, I had the wonderful idea to sign up for personal training at 5 in the morning today. I am very aware that it is normal to workout in the morning, but for me, it is a huge stretch. Like, I would normally rather place my hand onto a hot stove for twenty-seven hours than be at the gym at that time. Let’s be honest, I am not too great to be around before the sun rises unless you like looking at things that resemble monsters and ugliness.

But, I had this weird feeling in my soul that I was meant to workout at this time today. Probably because I like the idea of being one of those people who has their lives together and works out in the mornings and wears lulu lemon. When my alarm went off at 4:20 (blaze it sista frans amirite), I actually wanted to fall to my knees and sob. Instead, I put on my junior shirt from high school, which is totally the exact same thing as lulu lemon, and marched my butt to my electric vehicle. You know, the one all the cool kids are driving these days.

I got to the gym. I did the workout. My butt is now so sore I cannot even tell you this feeling I am experiencing. I am walking like there is a literal twig up my ass. I think I need to call an ambulance to take my to the walgreens urgent care if it gets more severe in the next few hours.

So, all is fine at this point. I am totally just a gal who has it all together since I worked out at this time. My life is totally not in shambles because of this one thing I did one time only. I sit on my couch, and pass the actual heck out. Not even my mom yelling at me to stop being lazy could wake me up. And her voice resembles like a mean Billy Ray Cyrus yelling if he was not country. It is brutal basically.

I wake up from my amazing slumber, look down at my phone, and realize it is 9:57. I am supposed to workout at 10. I look down at my outfit, realize I am wearing the same one as yesterday, change faster than I ever have, and race my butt to the gym. I have never decided on an outfit faster. It was truly a miracle.

When I get to the gym, I see my phone and realize that it is still the same day. It is still Friday. I had worked out four hours earlier. My dumb butt thought I slept through an entire day and woken up tomorrow. I actually wanted to take an axe to my neck, chop my head off, and throw it into a local canal because of all of the unnecessary stress I caused myself.

All in mother freaking all, I am quite the dumb b.

Have you had any experiences like mine? Let a b know!

 

Okay Fine! I’ll Get a Manicure!

This time of the year brings about a lot of stress for me, and I am assuming I am not alone in feeling this way. And if you are anything like me, your nails suffer from stressful times. I am not talking like the little oh-my-gosh-i-broke-my-pinky-nail-my -life-is-over either. I am referring to the fact that it looks like I went to war and wrestled a darn grizzly with my bare hands. My nails are nonexistent in the winter months and are constantly doused in blood and bandaids. And surprise it is all because I am Katniss Everdeen! I actually shoot arrows and cook birds and do outdoorsy things like that on the reg right in my suburban backyard. Sorry not sorry next door neighbors that shield their kids from every drop of violence!

But seriously, I have gotten to the point where there is nothing else for me to do except get acrylic manicures. It is the only way to cover up my nails without being able to pick them apart. I am considering getting red or something festive for the Christmas time, but honestly I am not sure if I can pull off red. I am not freaking Gwen Stefani okay?! Geez, I am more like Flo from the progressive commercial. Not kidding I can rock the hell out of an apron. Ask my teacher from elementary school chef camp. I was bitchin in that dang kitchen.

One of my annoyances with getting manicures is that without fail, every single darn time that I go into the nail salon, a crowd of nail ladies swarm over to my nails and ask why the absolute heck they look like shit. Like geez Louise ladies, can a girl catch a break? I have already been verbally assaulted by my own mother for single handedly destructing my nails. I know they’re no Kylie Jenner daggers. I just came in here for a relaxing time. And okay, also the free lifesavers. But mostly the relaxing time.

Anyways, stress is a real buzz kill on the realz. What do you all do combat stress? Do you have the finger situation, too? What color do you suggest I on get my nails? Let a b know!

Thanksgiving- my InCREDDD reflection 

I have seen so many amazing posts regarding anxiety around holidays for those with eating disorders. All I have to say is that I am extremely thankful for IIFYM for allowing me to think differently about ALL food, not just “healthy” food. 

For the first time I can even remember from as far back as third grade, I was not dreading thanksgiving dinner. I was not restricting or fearful of binging. I was simply listening to my body. Yes, I may have had an extra piece of pie and seconds on mashed potatoes. I will not lie, I do feel guilty. However, I recognize that my thoughts are disordered- I have an eating disorder. I say it often, but it has really only registered on like four occasions lol. It has become so normal for me that I do not second guess guilt, restriction, self-starvation, purging, over exercising, and a controlling voice in my head that is so focused on numbers and looks and comparison… Until recently. I have come to the conclusion that I am ready to move on. 

There is a time and place for struggling, but it is not healthy for that time to literally be YEARS of your life… I don’t remember a time in my life where I was not engaging in an ED behavior.. Like ever. THAT is ridiculous, truly. 

I would say I am most thankful for a mindset that is not stuck completely in my old thought process. Fitness and health have truly positively impacted my life. I am grateful for my ability to actively participate at the gym. I am thankful to live in an area where gyms are located. I am thankful I have the finances to go. I am thankful my life has worked out the way it has. I am thankful it has not worked out the way I used to pray so whole heartedly it would. God is gewddddd. #rambleovaandout #myb #srynotsry 

  me before I actually devoured some potatoes and my entire fam. Ya they’re long freaking gone